Total Transparency 

This is a hard one to write however I feel like I would be a total fake if I wasn’t honest in my posts. I suffer from Depression and anxiety disorder. I was recently put on Lexapro and so far it seems to be helping a lot, however I still have my down days. Today was one of those days. It took all  had to get out of bed this morning. Actually I didn’t actually get out of bed until 12:30 because my husband called to ask if I wanted to have lunch with him. I miss the person I was before this. I was thankful for that phone call because when it comes to my husband or kids, they are what keeps me going. I’m nowhere close to where my husband is in my depression but it helps me understand him and how he feels. Mine started around the time we moved back from TN and had all our belongings stolen from us. Things are replaceable so that part doesn’t effect me as much, however our computer, which I had not backed up to anything, had every photo and video of my kids, mostly my son on it. I have no baby videos of my little guy to look back on and no photos either. As I’ve said in a previous post, my kids are my life so even thinking about it now , almost 2 years later, it still makes me completely upset. Depression is a hard thing to define. Its choosing to forgo spending time with friends and family and then complaining that you’re lonely. Its having a messy house and knowing that the only reason I clean it is to hopefully brighten my husbands day when he comes home because the last thing I want is for my hard working husband to come home to a messy house. Its telling people that I’m busy or not feeling good when I get invited to go somewhere because I don’t have the mental strength to go and the motivation it would take to get up and get dressed is sometimes too much. From the outside people don’t understand. I have a wonderful husband and equally wonderful kids which our for sure my reason to keep going. Its hard to explain but its there and I feel like the stigma of mental health needs to be removed. Life can be pretty hard sometimes…However I feel like the good days are far better than the worst. I can be in a complete downward spiral feeling numb to everything and one of my kids pop in to say something silly and it immediately makes me smile. I feel like people don’t know how to handle someone who is depressed so in turn they turn away because they don’t understand. I’m here to tell you that what you need to do, is keep calling them even when they have nothing to say. Let them know you think about them and care about them even when they don’t seem to be putting in the effort to let you know they care. They do care, a lot, but have a hard time showing it. There’s days my husband comes home and I can tell he’s feeling down and my ultimate job then and there is to do whatever I can to make him laugh and take his mind off of, well his mind. It works, he will forget in those moments that the darkness seems to be taking over his mind and he will throw his head back and laugh and that brings me the greatest joy. I do my best to fight the depression and will go long periods of time feeling great but its always there, lurking beneath everything. The best advice I can give someone struggling with this is to FORCE yourself to get outside, focus on the beautiful things this world has to offer. Closing yourself off from the world might feel best but it isn’t what is best. Give people a chance to surprise you. I am loved, tremendously, by my husband and kids and mom and dad and siblings. I’m thankful for all I have and all those in my life so I know that though I may be going through dark times they will pass and the sun will shine again. I’m blessed beyond belief with who I have in my life and I will not allow this darkness to define me or my life. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. If only, I could get rid of the tunnel. cure-depression

 

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