The Kids are Alright, However I am Not

My 3 precious kids left days ago to spend some time in Georgia with their Nana. They begged and pleaded that I let them go and since it is summer and we aren’t doing a vacation this year, I decided to say Yes. Wednesday morning they packed up the SUV with my mother in-law and got on the road. My husband, whom I rarely talk to while he’s at work, called me numerous times throughout the day to see how I was doing. I was a hot mess. At points sobbing hysterically and even going into their rooms just to cry a little more. My kids are my life, just as I’m sure other moms feel the exact same way. My day to day life revolves around them just as any future plans I may make. My girls had done this trip before and I was a mess then, but this time all 3 went. This was the first time my little man (who has always been quite attached to me) has went and by far the longest we have ever been apart. I was worried he’d get sad and miss me just as much, however I was wrong. As it turns out they are having a blast and loving every minute of their trip and I’m still sitting here at home a mess. I think that can pretty much sum up parenting. Numerous people have mentioned that I should take advantage of this and they would love a little free time. My kids, however are already pretty independent as they are older, 15,12 and 6. So I don’t need a break, to sleep in on the weekend or relax in the evenings. My house feels like a library. There’s not a sound. No laughing or even fighting coming from upstairs. Robbie isn’t asking me to play slap jack with him and the girls aren’t asking me to take them to the mall. They aren’t here to watch Big Brother with me or to argue about eating the Salmon I cooked.  I’ve realized in this small amount of time (I still have a week to go) that I should probably get a hobby. A hobby is something you enjoy doing in your free time. Well all along my kids have been my hobby and now that they are getting older I’m realizing that all I know myself to be is a mother and wife. These are definitely not bad things and are the two things that have brought the greatest joy to my life. So maybe I will think about getting a hobby. Going to the beach and relaxing, having a glass of wine and binge watching the ID channel all day. (could not do that with the kids home, murder is a pretty scary subject to them lol) The problem is….If I go to the beach, I know I will see some kids with their parents and that will make me think of mine. If I binge watch ID channel, I’ll come up with some crazy worry about why I need to go get them because maybe my mother in-law has a crazy neighbor I don’t know about. I can’t wake up and check on them. I can’t get 12,000 hugs while I’m in the middle of trying to do the laundry and I can’t argue with my oldest about her choice of clothes. Being kid less (temporarily)  may seem like a wonderful thing to some but to me everyday is too long and every evening too quiet. Most people go through life wondering what their “purpose” is. well I know mine. Its to be the best mom I can be so while I sit and sulk on my couch trying to hold back tears, they will call on the phone and I will put all that aside and smile and act overly happy that they are having a great time, because after all…They are what matters. Me, I’ll get over it. So for now. The kids are alright and I’ll pretend for their sake, I am too.

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